


Your life in my hands

by Zinae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I am evil, I cant write happy stuff, I mean it-prepare for tears, If at all., Mostly Implied Relationships, Sadstuck or borderline sadstuck, Small snippets of thoughts and kinda headcanons, They are all prcious and need love, They will all appear with time, Timeskips, War, prepare for tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-10-09 05:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10404945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinae/pseuds/Zinae
Summary: A collection of small sadstuck headcanons, or other headcanons I can't get out of my head.Roxy and her view on the world, Dirks heart breaking over and over again, Jake and just how scared he ist of losing what he found.





	1. Prince of heart

_//It's scary how easy it it to turn away._

_Jakes arms are warm around his shoulders. They're laughing together, Roxy is whistling a happy tune, Jane rolls her eyes, smiling._  
_For a broken moment, they are teenagers who are not fighting for their lifes and everything is okay.//_

He heard her laugh, the sun was burning his back, his skin as dark as Jakes.  
His sword was dangling against his leg, one dull thump after the other. The air tasted like the campfire behind them, everything smelled like rain and sun and he knew that thr others would be there soon.  
He had plsnned to be long gone by then.  
Jake was laughing somewhere, Janes laugh was bright, gentle, filled with so much love and adoration....  
His heart broke.

_//He is a prince and his role is the destruction of his aspect. Or through his aspect._  
_How did he say it?_  
_A heart player who is a stone cold motherfucker._  
_He has lost all hope that Jake and he could be good for each other._  
_It doesn't stop him from clinging._  
_He has only Jake._  
_There is only Jake.//_

The pain dulled with time.  
He let him go, for Jakes sake.  
But every other relationship he tried, they only broke him more.

_//A prince destroys his aspect.//_

Roxys laugh is forced whenever she catches sight of him. If she actually manages to. He is only here because Dave, of all people, tracked him down and threatened him with Jade and teleportation. If he didn't come voluntarily.  
Jane ignored him, aside from one happy "hello" and "see you soon".  
But that was more than he expected after he fulfilled her dream and threw her dream man at her feet.  
Jake was happier with her.  
And for Jake he was merely air. Not in the romantic sense.  
Daves hand was warm on his shoulder and his quiet apologies, because he couldn't understand, burned on his skin.

_//He is the prince of heart. He eradicates hearts, souls.//_

No one ever called this running away except him.

Roxy found him weeks later, alone on Jakes island, sitting amidst broken brobot parts, fingers ripped to shreds and long dried tears on his face, staring into nothing.  
She screamed at him.  
Broke down.  
Cried for both of them because Dirk was destroying himself and she could never fill this void inside him.

_//Realising that he will never meet his Bro is devastating, but he manages._  
_Losing Jake the first time, he survives, with his sanity mostly intact._  
_It's the GAME OVER, what tears him apart._  
_The knowledge that there is a timeline where he failed to protect them all._  
_So he desperately uses this second chance and grabs onto the thought, that he can't fail this time.//_

Roxy stayed with him.  
Sometimes he awoke with a scream and she never said anything about how she was instantly by his side, holding him while he cried in her shoulder, hands digging into her clothes. Because she was all he had left.  
She understood.  
He told her about the shards.  
She had lived it.  
He told her, voice quiet, rough, deep, shaken, about the glitches.  
She told him even quieter about her feelings, how she seemingly didn't belong in this world and how only John and Calliope actually reminded her, that she was still Roxy. Not the Roxy of this alternative timeline, but still Roxy and still a friend of the people here.  
Sometimes someone would compare them and that hurt.  
Dirk told her about AR and that sometimes he believed that it was easier bring a machine.  
She wanted to disappear into the void sometimes.

_//It begins with a breath and ends in a storm._  
_John is standing in front of them, light and laughter turning into silent tears and forced, bright smiles._  
_They are three broken children, clinging onto each other._  
_"That's not my Dad. I am his and he is just like me and I can't do this anymore..."_

_Dirk holds him and Roxy sings for all of them._

_John rebounces fast, he forces himself to get back up and they promise not to tell anyone._

_Roxy leaves months later, because she misses Rose and because Dave is here again. This time he only threatens her._  
_Dirk doesn't have to come._

_He feels better here._

_He is the Prince of Heart and despite Roxys work his heart is still in shambles like his robot._

_She doesn't come back._

_He doesn't look back._

_He is the Player of Heart and because of his destructive role he will never have a stable, healthy relationship. No matter how much he tries._

_And soon he will be numb enough, broken enough, that he will turs as cold as he said a long time ago.//_

He was standing at the edge of their gathering, Jakes arm around Janes shoulder, warm snd he was smiling. Jane was rolling her eyes ans Roxy whistling.  
They weren't teenagers anymore and nothing was okay.

It was scary how easy it was to turn away.


	2. Touch

Your name is Jake English and you are not used to human touch.

  
You are used to the heat of the jungle, the warmth of the strange fairy bulls or even the coolish feel of waves on your skin.   
You know what leaves feel like, brushing across your arms, how branches scratch your skin and how feathers tickle your nose.

  
But actual, real human contact? Is painfully fireign and you crave it, cherish it and you fear it oh so very much.

  
Sometimes Dirks hugs are too much, you want to be closer, closer, closer, crawl into him and stay there.  
You want to glue yourself to Roxy and never let go of Janes hands.

  
But there are also days where you disappear, fearing the power this need has over you and you don't want to lose this control you have over your life.   
As little as it is with the game looming over you and other people manipulating you into something you can't imagine yourself to be.   
The gentle, hopeless player of hope, a mere page, who has no idea what he should do, what page to turn, on which page to open the book of life.   
You want a storyline like in the movies. Clear, linear and always the same, with tiny variations, but always the same.  
You don't want to think of the what ifs and buts.  
You want to spend time with your friends and just touch and hug them.

  
You just want to hold them close, listen to their real life voices and watch great movies, you want to cuddle with Dirk, his legs thrown over Roxys lap, your head leaning against his shoulder and Jane cuddling into your side, with Roxy somehow draped across her lap.  
You want to be the teenager and child you are and you miss your stupid chats.

  
Sometimes, when Dirk us long asleep, you talk to Hal and reread old pesterlogs.   
Sometimes you trace the faint freckles on Dirks face and wonder what it would have been like if you grew up together. On your island, with Jane or even in their time.  
Sometimes when he kisses you, you hold onto him for dear life and sometimes you just grab his shirt and hide in his chest, quiet for a chance.  
Sometimes you are happy to have him this close, that he is this overbearing, because he is here, right here and yes, you need your space, yes, he can be too much but heavens, you need all of them.

  
So you hide behind false bravado and strange speech, smile at them and maybe you annoy Jane, maybe you hurt Roxy, you never mean to...   
But you need them.

 

You hate what the trickster mode did to you but you are glad that it cleared at least the worst of your issues.   
You will apologise, you will angst about it, you will continue hurting each other but you will stay friends.   
Jane is on the bed beside you and you can't talk to her, it's too painful and awkward.   
Roxy is talking to you, Dirk is online.   
Hal is hidden in the depths of the internet and your phones.   
And his sprite.   
You miss Erisol.  
And you might need a hug. Maybe you can hug Dirk when you see him again and after you talked this out... He gives the best hugs.

 

Your name is Jake English and you just died a heroic death.   
This you will never touch his friends ever again.


	3. Connected by our hands

_Roxy has always been fascinated with Dirks hand_ s.   
With how big they were compared to her own, broad fingers and gigantic palm, calloused and rough, oil and blood and warmth.  
She was fascinated with the way his fingers moved while working on robot parts, the way his skin was darker, burnt in some places. How they were littered with tiny scars, stretching with every move, muscles flexing.  
She loved the gentle power in his grip. How he was capable of cutting apart any enemy one second and holding her close the next, stroking her hair, close, so very, very close.  
He touched his seord like he would a lover. Caressing the blade, polishing it until it could reflect even the tiniest light source, colours and sparks dancing across the shining metal.

_Jakes hands were long._

Long fingers, almost spiderlike if he forgot to eat again and so very pretty. His skin ist just as scarred as Dirks, but different. Instead of myriads of dots there are faint lines on darkish skin, a web telling of long days in a forest and hours spend with a knife and survivsl breathing down his neck.  
She loved watching hin taking care if his guns, how he expertly took them apart, cleaned them and put thrm back together.   
She could watch his and Dirks hands forever, intertwined and different, Dirks edges and Jakes kind lines, precious peaceful moments.

_Janes hands were tiny and soft._   
So very, very soft. And Roxy adored the minutes she spend sitting there, just worshipping Janes tiny hands and playing with them. She would trace all the lines, follow their paths through the labyrinth, wiping away the flour, the sugar, tickling the insides and marvelling at the wonders those hands created. The details on the cakes, the flowers on Janes cookies.

_Her own hands were almost always tainted with ink._ She would leave dark stains on surfaces, hsnd prints, finger prints, always leaving something somewhere.  
Almost as if she was afraid to be forgotten in this dead session.   
Her ink was dark blue, almost perfectly vanishing in dark caves and black stone.   
Her hands were plump, but powerful, short fingers, big palms, but so much hidden strengh and potential.  
They were not perfect, but Roxy liked her hands.

_The orange handprint was the first to appear on a wall, a light blue one followed soon after and when Jake returned, she actually watched him put his little mark on their world._   
It became their favourite place, whenever they needed a quiet moment. Whenever the game became too much and they all were gasping for breath and grasping at straws.  
Dirk would tinker with his robots, big, gentle hand sometimes ghosting over Jakes hands, Janes  cheek or Roxys hair. Jake would take care of his guns, fingers dancing a lethal dance.   
And Jane would sit with her, tiny fingers in her strong ones, soft skin and hidden power and they would be happy for a while.

 


	4. Mother and daughter

Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are at war.

David is sitting in front of you and polishing his sword, you are behind your desk, writing your next book and sometimes both of you look up to see the world burn.

You rarely talk, but if you do, then always with a certain sarcastic-ironic tone, hurtful jokes and insults you actually never mean that way.

Sometimes you practice your wytchcraft, sometimes he leaves and hides in his home. Most times you are both outside fighting.

When you two strife, training, staying in shape, learning how to get rid of paparazzi, sparks fly and you smile only this one time.

That is... until your visions start.

(A small girl drowning in alcohol, a young man fighting robots, both looking like you and Dave. A young man kissing a head and a girl crying in a corner. War, fighting, blood, blood, blood, pain, fire and oh heavens, so much hope.)

Of course you tell Dave. You still call him David, just to annoy him and he still refuses to call you by your name to spite you, but you both start preparing.

You don't know how far into the future you can see, but you prepare for as far as possible.

You hide as much alcohol as you can and hate yourself for it.

(But terrible things happen to people that mess with time...)

Dave creates a sanctuary for his descendant, fills it with maybe too much merch and unhealthy food but you know that they will survive.

(He is handsome and she is beautiful and you really wish that you can meet her. One day a girl runs past you and you almost break because she looks just like thst other girl from your visions. And her smile is angrlic and perfect and you don't want her to cry. She is so much prettier smiling.

Later you learn that her name is Jane Crocker and you cry for a girl who has no choice but to worship the evil witch that will break her.)

You kill the man who deserves all the hounds of hell on his heels.

Dave dies and you follow with the knowledge that you did everythingyou could to save at least this small group of children.

They become your hope.

You are Rose Lalonde and you are Mom Lalonde and you are proud of the daughter you will never meet.


	5. Once I was seven years old...

Your name is Dave and you should be somewhere around three years old.

You just came crashing down on a meteor and a burned horse and your Bro is standing in front of you, holding tiny shades in his giant ass hands.

When he puts them on your nose you pretty much feel like the coolest kid on the playground.

Right now you adore your Bro and he is gentle when picking you up. Almost like he's afraid that he'll break you if he is not careful.

You meet Cal with distrust but Bro promises that this weird puppet will protect you so for now you will manage.

You name is Dave Strider, it was decided that you are now four years old and you just fell in love with apple juice.

Your name is Dave Strider, you are five years old and you are the coolest kid on the playground. You shades are the best and Bro is screaming at some parents somewhere behind you.

You are standing on that tiny building on the playground and looking over your realm, proud as hell that you got up there without help.

By now Bro is threatening those parents of the girl who dared to tell you that your shades suck and you totally love your Bro the most right now.

When you walk home, your tiny hand in Bro's gigantic one, your brother orders you to never give in.

You never forget his first advice.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are six years old. You just witnessed how your brother kicked ass and you are proud of him.

You still have to move, but this is neither the first nor the last time.

This year.

You sleep with Cal in your room.

Bro is sleeping in the next room and you still crawl into his bed when the sounds from the flat above yours start to freak you out. Bro is always awake then and tells you stories until the sounds stop or you fall asleep.

Sometimes he tries to teach you how to hide your emotions and look as cool and cold as possible.

You try your best.

Sometime in the next few weeks you will find your first turntables in your room and you will spend hours pouring over sick beats and not listening to annoying neighbors being assholes to your brother.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are seven years old.

You finally have a home and the roof makes you feel like all those years ago on the playground.

Your brother just gave you your first sword and you haven't seen him ever since.

Your name is Dave Strider, you are nine years old and scared shitless of puppets.

Your brother might just as much have left forever and you feel betrayed.

Cal is your worst enemy now and you have more nightmares about him than other things.

But you learn how to school your expression into a mask of indifference.

You only start screaming like a girl when it starts raining smuppets.

You learn flash stepping and swordfight and it takes you months on the roof until your brother challenges you to your first strife.

You lose.

And your Bro becomes almost draconic in his quest to make you stronger.

At least this is what you tell yourself at night.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are ten years old.

You just got your first computer and made friends with one John Egbert.

You call him names, but you already know that this boy is going to become a bug part of your tiny world and your best friend.

You start training more than ever, your music flourishes and when you talk to Rose and Jade for the first time, your world feels complete.

You never notice Bro standing behind you.

You nevet see the sad, broken gleam in his eyes, badly hidden behind real pride and dark shades.

You notice the smuppets suddenly hanging over your head and you cut them into tiny pieces faster than yo

can think.

The next day the fridge is full of apple juice and you might still love your brother after all.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are eleven years old.

And you just got the sickest present ever.

Johns shades are awesome and perfect and he might be, totally is, your favourite.

Your Bro appears for seconds, a cake is standing on the table and Cal is nowhere to be seen. You are happy.

Later you will strife with Bro and you will lose.

But you will be able to hit him and this is the best present you could ever get from him.

You just got your first computer and made friends with one John Egbert.

You call him names, but you already know that this boy is going to become a bug part of your tiny world and your best friend.

You start training more than ever, your music flourishes and when you talk to Rose and Jade for the first time, your world feels complete.

You never notice Bro standing behind you.

You nevet see the sad, broken gleam in his eyes, badly hidden behind real pride and dark shades.

You notice the smuppets suddenly hanging over your head and you cut them into tiny pieces faster than you even realize and you are fucking proud of yourself.

Your name is Dave Strider, you are thirteen years old and you just witnessed the end of your world.

You don't care about meteors destroying your planet anymore or you witnessing the death of countless Daves.

Your Bro is lying on the ground, killed by his own sword.

His skin is cooling slowly and you grab onto this last warmth like you would hold onto a lifeline.

You will not cry, you never have and you probably never will.

The phone, your shades tell you about people trying to talk to you, but for now you will ignore them.

You don't need this right now.

Right now you need silence, time to grief and maybe, just maybe, you really really want a hug.


	6. Identities are hell and who even needs them

//Caw, caw, motherfuckers.//

Your name is Dave Strider and you have seen hell.

You have seen your planets fall, your best friends die and your sister cry.

Your name is Dave Strider and this is your last and only chance to make things right.

You do.

John lives, Jade lives.

But you pay the price for all of it.

You don't pay with your life, or your soul, that's ridiculous.

You pay with your identity. This is so much worse than death.

You pay with knowledge and tangibility. You pay with personality.

You are a mere ghost and part bird at that and suddenly no one realizes that you are still DAVE, that you are still a person and still very much alive.

And with feelings, thankyouverymuch.

Your name is Dave Strider and you are too used to being called "Davesprite", "Bastard" or any insult with birds in the name to care.

Jade seems to understand your problem, but you are young and selfish and stupid and she leaves.

Your need for attention and recognition drives you too far.

John hates you.

You leave and never look back.

Your name is Davesprite, this is the retcon-timeline and you are standing in front of a kind trollghost in green.

Her smile is gentle, her eyes understanding and while your contact is brief and accidental, you never regret this.

Your name is Davepeta and you are happier than ever. Content even.

Arquius is with you, holding your hand.

You have seen hell. You lived through sadness. You fought for what is right.

Your name is Davepeta, Davesprite, Nepetasprite, Nepeta, crow and Dave Strider. You are all of them and your own person and you will fight for your place in this world.


	7. Comfort

Maybe pain is something you can not handle.

Rejection, annoyance, regret.

It hurts, quite a lot actually and all yoy can do is push the pain down, smile and hide.

When Jake and Dirk start dating you spend hours in Roxys arms, crying, cursing, screaming, but afterwards you smile, congratulate your friends and step back.

You will be fine, as long as they are happy.

Jake is the only romantic target you have and you fall deeper with every day you spend in the game.

Soon you start comfort baking, your kitchen filling with myriads of cakes, cookies, macarons and other things you always wanted to try but never had the time for. You spend hours practicing the patterns and pushing yourself too hard too fast, forcing your mind as far away from Jake as you can.

And whenever he is there, right there, your feelings come back with a vengeance, crashing down like a bucket full of ice cold water over your head.

But you never learn.

You hide behind pans and ovens and patterns, you tell yourself that you will get over him eventually and you never realize that the pain becomes a habit you cannot shake, even though you are slowly losing your feelings towards him.

This habit follows you around, bugs you like your feelings did, you cling to it for as long as you can.

One day Jake disappears and Dirk is right there, drenched in sweat, dirt and blood and looking so sad.

You realize just how... similar you two are.

You make hot chocolate and cookies and you talk about nonsense until Dirk stops shaking and his face goes back to its emotionless state.

He stays for a few days and hugs you goodbye, holding you close and apologizing for something only you two know.

You don't know if you accept it, but honestly? You don't care.

The cake on your birthday is your masterpiece and you are furious.

Roxy is devastated and you are as well.

But you are too mad to care or regret, because finally you understand and finally you are ready to maybe let go.

You are never, ever mentioning the Trickster Mode again. It was embarassing, stupid and you are right beside Jake but this is so awkward and strange. You were ridiculous, you still are ridiculous and so very scared.

You try to force a smile, but Dirk is right here. So you talk to him, about Jake, about Roxy, about your relationship. You learn more about each other and you decide to grow up.

But it's hard.

Dying is hard and scary, and Jakes clothes are very... distracting. But you manage.

You meet Jade.

You meet the Condesce. You are brainwashed and now you are watching your evil self torture your friends.

She is cruel, but honest.

Still obsessed with Jake and as rude to him as he was to you.

You miss baking already, hands itching to draw patterns. You draw flowers in blood.

Relish in the warmth and later, when you do your job and Jade is bitching and your brain is calculating all kinds of things, you wonder whether you will ever forgive yourself. If your friends will ever forgive you.

You want to cry.

Fight back, get your body back but this other you is so much more powerful, you believe you have no chance.

Dave is adorable and you love him.

You still want to kill him, he is still in your way, but his comments are as flattering as they are confusing and you just really, really want to get to know him.

What happens next, is far too fast and far too much even for you.

You watch the trident, first piercing Jake, dumb, brave Jake and then you.

And even though it's cruel, but your last thoughts belong to Dave and whether he managed to safe Jade.

You are sorry you couldn't revive her.

(You might never remember dying, but Dirk does and you often find him at your house, drenched in rain, in the middle of the night.

You never really forgave yourself for all you've done, but the others did, so you just smile and let them.

You are still comfort baking, giving the cakes, cookies and macarons away, but when your friend is here, in need of something solid and real, you make him hot chocolate and drown him in cookies and gentle hugs.

He always holds onto you like he is scared that the second he lets go, you will disappear and you let him.

Simply because in those moments you feel treasured beyond measure.)


End file.
